


It's The Great Pumpkin, Jim Kirk

by WeWillSpockYou



Category: Chris Pine - Fandom, Karl Urban - Fandom, McKirk - Fandom, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: ALL my Fault, Blame Corrie 71 too, Cock O Lantern, Happy halloween, I'm the bad seed, Is that a pumpkin on your dick or are you just happy to see me?, Jim is gourds-eous, M/M, Masturbation, Medical Play, Pumpkin Porn, Pumpkin seed that is, Vegetables, not sorry, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-31
Updated: 2014-10-31
Packaged: 2018-02-23 07:22:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2539226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeWillSpockYou/pseuds/WeWillSpockYou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim Kirk goes looking for love in the produce aisle!</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's The Great Pumpkin, Jim Kirk

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Corrie71](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Corrie71/gifts).



The Emergency Room at Atlanta Grace Hospital was mercifully empty.  The patient wrapped his trench coat more securely around himself as he cradled his injury with his other arm. He quickly filled out basic information on a clipboard worksheet and moved gingerly to take a seat in the waiting room.

“James T. Kirk?” A blonde nurse called his name from the clipboard she was holding.

Jim stood up gingerly, trying to keep his injury from jostling as he moved. As Jim walked toward the nurse he could see her nametag which read “Dorothy.” Her blue checked gingham dress, red shoes and twin ponytails should have clued him in to her name sooner, but with the way he felt, Jim couldn’t bring himself to care much about such things. “That’s me.” He said softly.

“Follow me, please.” She led him to an exam bed and motioned for him to take a seat as she pulled the curtain shut around them.  Once Jim was settled, she asked, “So, what brings you in tonight?”

“Is there a doctor I can speak with? Preferably a male doctor, no offense nurse, but I would rather discuss, my, ah, problem with another man.”

“Doctor McCoy is here, but I need to do a work up on you first.”

Jim shifted uncomfortably. He was leery of showing the nurse what he had done to himself, but on the other hand he needed help badly. He opened his trench coat and gave the nurse a quick peek.

Nurse Dorothy blinked a few times and tilted her head to the side. “Leeeeet me go grab Doctor McCoy.” She quickly bolted from the room, pulling the curtain shut behind her.

 

“ Leo?” Dorothy said as she tried to carefully wake the sleeping doctor.

“Hmmph?” Leo grunted as he sat up. He’d been trying to catch some sleep at the beginning of his straight second shift of the day.

“I have an unusual patient for you.” Handsome too, she thought. So what if she’d noticed how unbelievably blue his eyes were?

“Out with it.” He grumbled as he rubbed his fists against his gummy eyes.

“It’s a pumpkin, Leo. Boldly going where no pumpkin has gone before…”

“Our patient is a pumpkin? Have you been at the Halloween party punch, Dot?”

She blushed at his returning the use of her nickname. “No, Leo, he’s got a pumpkin stuck on his, umm, well… She trailed off, her face as red as her shoes.

“Stuck on his what? We’re medical professionals, it’s not like we haven’t seen it all.”

“Yeah, well we’ve never seen this. The pumpkin is stuck on his dick, PENIS, I mean penis.” She quickly corrected. She wished a hole would open up in the floor and swallow her.

“He has a pumpkin stuck on his penis?” Leo looked dubious at best. He would bet his paycheck on this being  a Halloween prank, no, Leo decided, not his paycheck, his entire portfolio that this was a trick rather than a treat.

Dorothy nodded unable to meet his amazing kaleidoscope eyes. She had been secretly crushing on Doctor McCoy for months and had been too shy to approach him with her feelings.  

With Dorothy unable to meet his eyes, he was more certain than ever this was a practical joke.  “Which curtain is he in?”

“Five.” She replied, as he strode from the room.  She ogled his ass as he walked away.

 

James T. Kirk, he read to himself as he walked to the curtained exam area. Not a very creative name, he decided. He would have named him Jack O’Lantern, but he guessed that would have been too obvious. 

“So it seems you have cock o’lantern, _Mr._ _Kirk_.” Leo said gamely as he pulled back the curtain. The sight that confronted Leo’s gaze was no game.  He saw a blonde man in a trechcoat trying to pull said coat tighter around something large and round in his lap. _Fuck._   He took a deep breath and tried to find a way to stop this train wreck before it landed him a date with the ethics panel. “My name is Doctor Leo McCoy.” Leo wasn’t sure why he was giving this blue-eyed man his nickname, but there would be time to examine his motives later. “I am so sorry. I thought my nursing staff was playing a Halloween prank.”

“Well, it is Halloween.” The man responded.

“You’re James T. Kirk?”

“The one and only, call me Jim.” He didn’t blame Doctor McCoy for thinking this was a prank. Had their positions been reversed, Jim would have thought the same thing.

“Okay, Jim. There aren’t any notes on your chart, except for your name.”

“Didn’t want any more people than necessary to see me like this.” He bowed his head and stared at the floor.

“We’re all bound by HIPPA statutes, Jim. No one can talk about your case.”

Jim smiled ruefully, “You don’t think Nurse Dorothy isn’t spreading this around to the other nurses as we speak?”

Leo thought about what Jim was saying. Jim had a point, so long as Dorothy didn’t use Jim’s name, it wasn’t a HIPPA violation to talk about what she’d seen. Figuring discretion to be the better part of valor, Leo simply nodded in acknowledgement of what Jim said. “Care to tell me what happened?”

“Well, I was, ummmm…” Jim could feel his shame rising up his neck. How did he tell this handsome doctor with golden green eyes how he had gotten into this mess?

“It’s okay, Jim. I’m a doctor. I’ve seen it all before.” He needed to find a way to put his patient at ease so Jim would put his trust in him and Leo could fix his problem.

“I doubt you’ve seen this.” Jim opened his trench coat to reveal a large, perfectly round pumpkin on his lap. He was naked from the waist down, but for his sneakers and socks.

“You’ve got me there, Jim. I can honestly say I’ve never seen this before.” As sure as God made little green apples, erm, little orange pumpkins, this was one for the books, that was for sure. Leo smiled, hoping it would encourage Jim to open up more about how this happened or why.

“I was watching porn and ummm…” Doctor McCoy’s devastatingly handsome smile wasn’t making the telling of this story any easier. If Jim had a man like Doctor McCoy smiling at him like this he wouldn’t have needed the pumpkin. How was he going to tell his gorgeous _doctor_ what a freak he was? “I saw this video of a guy jerking off with a pumpkin and…” Jim could feel the color rising from his neck to his face. He would never get over the humiliation if he lived to be one hundred.

“And you thought you’d give it a try?” He finished sympathetically. It had been a long time since he’d had someone in his life, he figured if he spent much more time celibate _he_ would be the one jacking off with squash.

Jim nodded. “It went fine until I was about to com- errr, ejaculate and I got stuck.”

Leo had figured the problem lie in the hole not being cut being cut big enough into the bottom of the pumpkin. The extra blood flow to the penis would have caused it to get stuck in the pumpkin which in turn would make Jim unable to free himself.  It crossed his mind to ask why Jim just didn’t carve his way to freedom. He shuddered imperceptivity at the thought of a large knife near his own gourds and he was the one with steady surgeon’s hands. “May I take a closer look?”

“Y-yeah, sure.” Jim’s voice shook and he noticed his hands were shaking as well as they clutched at the edges of his coat.

Leo crouched down to get a better look at Jim’s penis and the pumpkin. From what he could see, he needed to get Jim free as soon as possible. Too much time in an erect and constricted state could damage Jim’s erectile tissue permanently. “Why don’t we move you into an exam room with a locking door, that way there we can avoid others coming in unannounced.” Jim’s embarrassment didn’t go unnoticed.  Leo wanted to make him as comfortable as he could under the circumstances.

“That would be great, thanks.” Jim appreciated the way Doctor McCoy was handling this situation.

Leo ducked into the hallway to make sure the coast was clear. He grabbed a johnny and some blankets and motioned Jim into the exam room across the hall. He shut and locked the door behind them both.  “Can we get you out of that coat and into a johnny? He helped Jim up onto the exam and eased one, than the other arm out of the coat as Jim held the heavy pumpkin in his other arm. Leo then repeated the one arm at a time process to get Jim into the hospital gown.  He wrapped a blanket around Jim’s back.  “I’m going to go get the tools I’ll need to free you. I’ll be right back. Can I bring you anything?”

“How about a stiff drink?” Jim grinned, his first in what felt like hours.

“Maybe later.” Leo cringed as he ducked out the door _. Maybe later?_ _What was wrong with him?_ Yes, this guy had killer blue eyes, he was also a pumpkin defiler. He could see it now, his mother asking how they met and having to explain how Jim went looking for love in the produce aisle. _Get it together, McCoy_ , he cautioned himself. No sense worrying about his mother…yet.

Jim couldn’t believe Doctor McCoy sort of agreed to have a drink with him. Even with ten pounds of produce on his prick, Jim Kirk was still THE man. Of course the ten pounds of produce was a bit more pressing, literally and figuratively, at the moment. He needed to focus on getting his aching dick out of the pumpkin and then he could focus on getting it into Doctor McCoy. Jim’s lewd thought parade was interrupted by the man in question coming back into the room with various medieval looking tools. “What the actual fuck is that saw-like thing?” He asked, pointing a shaky finger at the items in Doctor McCoy’s arms.

“Calm down, Jim. It’s a hacksaw, don’t worry, I also have a bone saw and a scalpel.”

“Oh sure, I’m real calm now, doc. You’re gonna slice me up like Freddy Krueger at a teenage pajama party.”

Leo tried hard not to laugh. “I have the steadiest hands in the hospital, Jim. I’ll explain my plan so it seems less scary.”

“You’re going to have sharp instruments near my zucchini, no amount of explaining is going to make _that_ less scary.”

Leo squirmed in commiseration. He held up the scalpel. “I’ll use this to cut a hole at the top of the pumpkin, like you would do when you carve a Jack O’Lantern. Depending on how much pulp and seeds are in the cavity of the pumpkin I may have to clean some of that out of my way so I can see your penis.”

“Not until the second date, doc.” Jim huffed out a laugh, thankfully the doctor joined in with him.

Leo could feel himself sweating. He needed to keep his mind on the task at hand and not on Jim’s washboard abs and broad chest which the gaping hospital gown was displaying. “Then,” Leo said, clearing his throat, I’ll use the hacksaw to cut horizontally through the pumpkin, cutting it in half. It will get trickier from there, but, I’m hoping the walls of the pumpkin will be thin enough to allow me to break them apart when we get close to your penis.” He could see Jim pale a bit at the mention of the end of his plan. “You okay, Jim?”

“Just peachy.” He mumbled.

“Don’t you mean pumpkin-y?”

Jim groaned in response. “Let’s just do it, okay?”

“Thought you didn’t put out on a first date, Jim?” Leo decided to go with humor, he found he liked the young man when he was being flirty and charming. How was it possible to be charming with a pumpkin stuck on your penis like some kind of demented candy apple? Leo was damned if he knew, but this kid made it work. He picked up his scalpel and cut a perfect circle around the stem of the pumpkin.

“Damn, your hands _are_ steady, Doctor McCoy.”

“Call me Leo.”

Jim nodded. “Thanks, Leo.” Jim tested out the name on his tongue, he liked the feel of it and the way it had sounded to his ears.

Leo was busy scooping out pumpkin guts, and hoped Jim couldn’t see the blush rising on his cheeks. He liked the way his name sounded on Jim’s lips, wondered how his own lips would feel against Jim’s, warn and wet…

“Leeeeoooo?” Jim sing-songed. He had been trying to get the doctor’s attention for a few minutes.

“Sorry, Jim. I was concentrating on the pumpkin.” And not the cock encased inside it, or the man it’s attached to with the sky blue eyes, rock hard abs and a body made for sin. _Yeah, the pumpkin._

“Is there much more in there?” Jim was trying to peer inside the pumpkin but Leo’s headful of dark, silky hair was in the way. Jim itched to run his fingers through it.

“Almost finished cleaning it out.” Leo looked up and found himself drowning in the bottomless depths of Jim’s eyes.

Jim felt lightning sizzle through him when their eyes crashed together. He leaned closer to get a look into the pumpkin and came perilously close to kissing his doctor. He felt blood surge back to his cock and cried out in pain.

“What is it, what hurts?” Leo stood up, ready to help.                    

“It’s just getting uncomfortable, you know?” Jim looked away. He didn’t want Leo to see the heated lust in his eyes.

“I hear you, Jim. I’m ready to use the hack saw. Are you gonna be okay with that?”

“I trust you and your steady hands.”

“You’ll tell me if you get uncomfortable, right?”

“Yeah. Just do it.”

Leo braced one hand on the lip of the pumpkin and grasped the saw in his right hand. It was quick work with the saw blade slicing easily through the flesh of the pumpkin. He removed the sawed off ring of pumpkin and set it on a nearby tray.

Jim let out a deep breath he didn’t know he had been holding. He could see his cock and it looked huge. Usually that would be a good thing, but it was a deep red, almost purple and it hurt like hell. Not the best way to make a first impression.

“Jim, I need to touch you.” Wait, that came out wrong. Or did it? He needed to touch Jim in a professional manner, not in a manner that would make his own cock spring to life, though if he kept seeing glimpses of Jim’s chest when he moved, his cock would be ready to go in no time. “I need you to tell me if it hurts, okay?”

“Yeah.” He rasped. He didn’t think he’d survive Leo’s long surgeon’s fingers touching his cock.

Leo reached out and grasped the head of Jim’s penis between his fingers. He heard Jim hiss and take a deep breath. He slid his hand slowly down the thick shaft feeling for broken blood vessels, thankfully he found none. He slid his hand back up to the tip, stopping when Jim cried out. “Are you in pain, Jim?”

 “Not the kind you think.” Jim mumbled.

“What now?” Leo made eye contact with Jim and saw immediately what was causing Jim distress. His pupils were blown wide with lust, only the tiniest ring of blue was still visible. He could feel the thick veins of Jim’s cock against the palm of his hand and as good as it felt to touch Jim he knew that as more blood tried to fill his penis the more dangerous the situation became.

“Nevermind, I need to get you out of this now.” Leo grabbed again for the hack saw and started sawing down the side of the pumpkin. He quickly made another cut parallel to the first one but several inches away. He set the saw down and started to pry the cut ends apart.

“Whoa, Leo, hold on there. Are you sure you’re not gonna rip my dick off as the sides of the pumpkin pull apart.”

“Pretty sure, Jim.” Leo muttered, as he grabbed the pumpkin and tried to pull it apart. He could see and feel the flesh giving under torque his hands were providing. “Almost there.” Leo whispered as his focus stayed on the task at hand. Finally the sides of the pumpkin gave way and Jim was free.

Jim saw the ring of pumpkin around his cock break apart and had time to feel a moment of relief before the pain hit. He cried out, quickly slapping on both hands around his aching cock. Leo was there for him, placing his hands on Jim’s shoulders and urging him to lay back on his right side on the exam table.

“Sorry Jim, I should have warned you that once you were free, normal blood flow to the penis would resume.

“Never hurt like this in my life.” He managed to grit out. His dick felt like it was on fire.

“It should feel better soon.” He stood and wrapped the blankets closer around Jim’s body. “Will you be alright alone for a minute? I need to grab some supplies.”

Jim nodded in too much pain to do anything else. He closed his eyes as he heard Leo close the door behind him. Jim felt tears sting the back of his eyes. How had his life come to this? Trying to get himself off with a pumpkin like he’d seen some asshole do on the internet. It was time to get his head out of his ass and make some changes in his life for the better. Just as Jim was making a plan, the exam room door opened and in stepped Doctor McCoy with an armload of things.

“I brought you a set of scrubs to wear when I discharge you. I also brought you some juice to rehydrate and an ice pack for your…” He motioned with his hand as he was setting things down. It wasn’t until Jim failed to answer that he looked up at his patient and saw that he was struggling to fight back tears. “Jim, how bad is the pain?” He dragged a stool close to the exam table so he could sit at Jim’s side.

“Not too bad.” He lied to the handsome doctor.

Leo didn’t buy that for a second. “May I see?” He moved the blanket to the side after Jim nodded. He could see swelling was subsiding and Jim was almost flaccid again. Not the most flattering thing to happen to a man, but in this case very good news for Jim.  There was also no sign of broken blood vessels on the shaft of Jim’s penis. “You’re very lucky, Jim.”

“Don’t feel very lucky.” His words were mumbled as he’d buried his face in the blanket.

“There’s no permanent damage and you promised me a drink remember?” Leo chuckled when bright blue eyes peered up from the blanket.

“You were serious?”                                                                                    

Leo nodded, “Well I won’t turn into a pumpkin at midnight. Does that hurt my chances?”

Jim laughed, really laughed for the first time in what felt like forever.  “I’d say that was a point in your favor.” Jim struggled to sit up.

“Why don’t you get dressed and I’ll work on your discharge papers, okay?”

“Thank you, Leo, for everything.” Jim’s serious eyes collided with Leo’s and Jim would swear he felt his stomach drop.

“You’ll make it up to me later. Can you cook?”

Jim smiled, “Yeah. My lasagna is legendary.”

“Good, I’m starved, haven’t eaten all day.”

“You mean, now?  Tonight?”

“Unless you’ve got other plans?” Leo laughed at the vehement way Jim shook his head no. “Good, I’ll be right back.”

Jim hopped off the exam table and grabbed the blue scrubs Leo had left for him and started to dress.

 

“Okay, you’re all set to go home, Jim. Wow.” Leo felt his heart stop in his chest when he saw Jim dressed in the clothes he’d left him. Scrubs weren’t the most flattering garments in the world, but the blue was setting off Jim’s eyes perfectly. “You look amazing, Jim.” Leo had time to whisper before Jim leaned in close and brushed their lips together.

Leo pulled back from Jim. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you can’t kiss me.”

Jim grinned and kissed Leo again. “Why not?”

“Because you’ll get aroused and you need to give yourself time to rest and heal.”

Jim kissed him again and laughed when Leo moaned into his mouth when their tongues rubbed against each other.  “Just one more?” Jim pleaded.

“Yeah, Jim. One more.” Leo slid his hands up to cradle Jim’s face and kissed him hard. He was licking and sucking at Jim’s lips while his hands slid into Jim’s hair. Leo pulled back and loved the bemused look on Jim’s face. It was going to be his pleasure to put that look on Jim’s face again and again.

Jim leaned his forehead against Leo’s and was still for a moment, enjoying the way it felt to be in this man’s arms.

“Come on Cinderella, let’s go home.” Leo deadpanned.

“Cinderella? You calling me a princess?

“Nope. Cinderella rode a pumpkin too.”

 

<http://33.media.tumblr.com/ff488627559bd7464f8f2d386b59464a/tumblr_n6nyatbJXv1r79mkfo1_500.gif>

**Author's Note:**

> This all started with the gif I posted above. I saw it dance across my tumblr page and I laughed like hell for a second. THEN, I sent an email to the lovely Corrie71 with the gif which read, “AU in which Jim meets Bones in the ER because he has something stuck on his dick.” Followed by the phrase DO IT!!! Corrie wrote back to me a few minutes later and we ended up on Skype discussing how she could make the story work. Meanwhile, I was formulating a story of my own. We each decided we would publish pumpkin porn! What the hell, it’s Halloween, and everything is pumpkin themed anyway, why not porn! You’re welcome!
> 
> Nurse Dorothy is inspired by Corrie. In typical Golden Girls style she is the Dorothy to my Blanche. She describes Bones as having “kaleidoscope eyes” in another fic she wrote and I fell in love with that description of Karl Urban’s ever changing eyes. I had to borrow it for this story. The comments below in parenthesis are Corrie71’s notes! I had to include them, they cracked me up!
> 
> I will say that Leo isn’t as ethical as he should be here. For one he should have been wearing gloves, shouldn’t have agreed to get a drink with Jim and he shouldn’t have been stroking Jim’s dick as he examined him, BUT where’s the fun in that? (Look, you have to grab your opportunities in life where you find them, am I right?)
> 
> The line, “Well I won’t turn into a pumpkin at midnight. Does that hurt my chances?” is one of Corrie71’s many contributions to this story. We laughed so hard over this one, I almost wet my pants. I kid you not!
> 
> The title of this is of course from, “It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.” I’m sure Charles Shultz is rolling in his grave. Sorry Chuck!
> 
> Nine pages of pumpkin porn…my alma mater would be SO proud!! (I’m very proud!) Yeah, me too!!
> 
> Happy Halloween everyone, from Jim, Bones and me!


End file.
